Parenting Teenagers - Observations and Tips

 Photo by Jed Villejo on Unsplash

Last week my youngest son turned twenty and thereby moved out of teen-age, marking the end of a 17 year journey my wife and I have been on, parenting teenagers. 

I wish I could say that the wisdom we have gained parenting teens was proportional to the the length of the journey, but that's most probably not the case. However, the Lord has taught us lessons which may be helpful to others starting out on the same journey.

Here are some observations and perhaps a few tips....

Everything Changes

Children drift from childhood into teenage years differently. Some glide gently into that bright future but other move into the season dramatically and digitally - from Zero to Bit One in the blink of an eye.

One of our sons was an easy-going delightful child one day and a non-communicative "blob that grunts" the next. It was as if a chemical switch on his back had been flipped. Even relatives commented on his sudden abruptness-approaching-rudeness.

It's a shock to parents who wonder what has hit them, but we must remember that the changes are just as much a surprise for our juveniles.

For example, I always enjoyed "rough and tumble" fights with my lads. When one of them had just turned teen he was hurting me in one of these play fights. I shouted "stop!"  He was not intending to hurt me (or so he still insists!), he was just completely unaware of his newly-acquired strength.

So if your child wakes up a different person one day, don't panic.

A New Distance

Along with this change may come a new distancing. A teenager is likely to pull away from mum or dad or both. This is almost certain to be true affections-wise. They no longer want the cuddles they once enjoyed.

This came home to me one day when I sat down on one of my son's beds to give him a cuddle - up until then, a normal part of our father-son relationship. But on  this particular day he exclaimed "yuk!" and I knew that that physical affection was now over (at least for the time being). 

Don't take this new distancing personally even though it may be painful. (And in later years they may come back to you cuddle you - but on their terms). 

Reasons, reasons and reasons

The single greatest change in parenting required of us from the child to teen stage is the need to give reasons for everything. You can no longer simply expect "because I say so" obedience, you must now more fully explain the reasons for your commands. 

Why should your teen put her phone on charge in your bedroom or in the kitchen over night? There are many good reasons for a teenager not being online all night long and it is your task to explain them patiently to her.

But remember, while all kids are watching their parents, this is especially true of teens. 

If you yourself are on the phone all night long, well don't you dare say a peep to your teen.

The Questioning Years

That precious little child of yours has now become a mini-adult. And as such they will begin to question everything you have taught them to believe. That's no bad thing, for nothing is worse than a dead second-hand faith. Don't grow weary of explaining afresh to them the reasons for the hope within you. It will challenge you to be 'up-to-date' and living in your own faith.

 Love is spelt T.I.M.E.

If I could press replay on the last 17 years, I may have spent more time with my teens. There is a balance here. Some families - particularly in our era of parental indulgence - spend all their spare time with their kids forgetting the lost world on their doorstep and the outsider within their own church fellowships. 

We are called to love the stranger, not just our own kith and kin. And that outward-looking example does our kids a world of good.

On the other hand it is possible for sincere believers to be comsumed with their careers or ministries and thereby neglect their kids. 

Teens still need us. It's just they don't know it or sometimes can't express it. (They will need us not only during their teens but during their twenties too, and likely far beyond.)

Keep Communicating

However difficult, however intermittent, keep the conversation going.

Sometimes a mother will connect better with one teen and a father better with another. Don't let this preferential division of communication offend or bother you. Treasure it and take full advantage of it. 

Now that they are teens, though, connecting with them means entering their world. Find an activity they enjoy and spend time doing it. Not what you like, but what they like.  

Food almost always works.

Prepare for Teenage Years

There is no better preparation for the teenage years than the pre-teen years, because there is little you can do once hormones hit the family (except to manage the pandemonium.)

One Scottish pastor made this observation after many years in ministry: no teen in his congregation was lost to the Gospel whose parents had taught them diligently and regularly in the pre-teen years. He wasn't boasting, he was declaring a truth that every parent knows: the chief years of influence are zero to twelve. What you teach them, the example you set them in those years is, by God's grace, what will carry in the years ahead. 

Teach little ones the Scriptures day by day. Pray with them. Be totally committed to corporate worship come what may. Never allow any sport or activity to distract you from meeting with God's people on the Lord's day. Love the Lord with all your heart, soul and strength.

Give Them Rope and Let them Go

The primary purpose of parenting, as I understand it, is to get to the point where, having been prepared and equipped, we can let our children stand on their own two feet. 

A parent who guilt-wires a child to keep hold of their apron strings forever is bound to lose them one day.

We can best help  them make the transition to adulthood by giving them more and more rope as the years go by. Yes, they will sometimes trip themselves up on it in the great learning curves of life. But if we are fearful of them making mistakes, if we over-protect them from the smaller hard knocks of life, they are likely to make far bigger mistakes when they bound out of our homes and lives in one big gigantic leap.

There is something genius about the prodigal's father which every parent needs to learn. The youngest son, let's think of him as the head-strong teenager, makes some pretty daft decisions, upsticks and leaves home, upsetting everyone in the turbulent wake, no doubt.

But what does father do? Run after him? Tweet a word of condemnation every time he hears of his son's latest daft mistake? No! He stays at home, lets the son go and waits patiently. We know he is longing for the day of homecoming because we read "when he was a long way off his father saw him." What does that tell us? That the father was scanning the horizon every day longing for the sight of a disheveled figure with that distinctive gait.

Let them go without nagging rebukes and when they are in trouble they are likely to remember the unique unconditional love of their parental home. If you chastise them on their rebellious way out don't expect them to return, for who wants to come home to a nag?

Pray and Love 

When they finally leave, remember them often in your prayers and continue to love them whatever the future brings. Unconditional love is how our Father loves us and it's how we should love our kids. 

Unconditional love does not mean doing their every bidding, however. Jesus is never caught up in the swirl of chaos and sin of those he loves. It is possible for a parent of a particularly wayward child to become impoverished and destroyed by entering the chaos of their child's reckless living. How can such ruined parents be of any help? 

The most loving thing to do is sometimes to detach oneself practically, while continuing to offer words -and prayers - of support and love.

It will All Pass

One wit has observed: "When I was seventeen I thought my parents were ignorant. When I turned 21 I was amazed at how much they had learnt in four short years!"

I can think of no bigger mistake a parent can make than to be impatient about all the changes facing a teen. And to want to fix every chaotic thing. Quickly. To label the child, to psycho-babble the child.

Let time pass. 

Remember my digital son? One day the most affable child you could meet, the next day a grumpysouras?

Today he is one of the most thoughtful young men you could meet (I speak of course as the most biased parent on the planet; but on the other hand folks outside the family have said similar things). 

Suppose I had taken him off to a psychologist (heaven forbid!) who wanting my cash might have diagnosed him with half a dozen mental ailments and 'counselled' him thus? That for sure would have messed him up. 

Just wait and allow time and patience and love and prayer to do its quiet work.

The last chapter hasn't been written

Most of God's promises do not come with time stamps. And that is true of this most precious one: 

"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Prov. 22:6.)

Many faithful parents pass through painful years waiting for the prodigal to come home, waiting for the child to return to straight paths. 

Holding on to God's promises requires faith. And faith is best expressed through prayer. We can take the promises of God and pray them, "Lord we tried our best to bring up our children in your ways, please fulfill your promise to us."

And don't forget that if we are teaching our kids up to the age of 12, God often uses them to teach us from the age of 13 upward. Perhaps that's why his time-scales are so so different from ours. 

My (our) Story

I was brought up, one of six kids, in a Christian home by parents who were "sold out for Jesus." Every day while we were growing up dad led family devotions after breakfast and before bed. When I turned into a teenager I rebelled, most of it in secret. I lived a double life. At home a good boy, but off with my school friends smoking and drinking (not drunkeness because fortunately I hated the taste of alcohol!)

Not a big rebellion. And I am pretty sure not as secret as I thought. My mother had more than five senses and I am sure she was aware of (almost) everything. 

But she said nothing. To me. 

I am sure she said alot. To God.

Here's the thing. During those 5-7 wayward years, in the homes and pubs and discos of my unbelieving friends, what kept me? The Lord kept me, you say. True. 

But in my own mind what kept me?

I knew that what my parents believed was real. While I may have been able to outthink or outwit them, I knew that they outlived every unbeliever I came in contact with. How empty were the lives of the world compared to the rich and meaningful lives of my godly parents!

And that, Christian parent, apart from the Gospel, is the greatest gift you can give your child. A walk with the Lord that is real and sincere. A life that is loving and sacrifical and servant-hearted. A faith that perseveres through deep trials.

All five of my brothers and sisters follow Jesus today, which makes it, by God's grace, six out of six.

We've had our ups and downs to be sure, but God's promise, in his good time, has been fulfilled.