Every Marriage Different
No two Christian marriages are alike. In some there is considerable independency, in others the two are rarely seen apart. In some domestic labours are sharply defined, in others wide overlap.
These differences are right and good; they arise out of the varied backgrounds, personalities and life experiences of husband and wife.
There are, however, two qualities that should characterise every Christian marriage. The one found in the Christian husband, the other in the Christian wife. These two qualities arise directly from the intrinsic created differences between men and women.
The great wisdom of Scripture is that it does not specify the smaller details of marital life but focusses on the main issues.
All of this we find in Ephesians chapter 5.
Wives are called to "submit"
"Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord..."
Google tells me that in today's world the word submit means "to Yield, Surrender, or Allow Control." In general parlance it's therefore a harsh verb.
The word Paul uses does not contain any harsh overtones, it means "under arrange." Paul is saying that a Christian wife should recognise the God-appointed order between husbands and wives and act accordingly. There is no hierarchy in marriage - no spouse better or higher than the other - but there is an order: God has made husbands the head of the wife, he has given husbands the role of leader. Far from this referring to domination or control, headship, we shall see in a moment, is about sacrificial love.
I wish we had another word for "under arrange" which more accurately reflected the role wives are called to. The English "submit" is too harsh. I wonder how many Christian wives have been put off by that word. I wonder how many Christian husbands have abused "submit" even though the command is not addressed to them - and in spite of the fact that as a sister in Christ, every Christian husband is called to mutual submission.
But since we have no other word in the English language we must use submit.
The role of a Christian wife is to recognise, every day in every family decision that God has appointed her husband to lead. She has to work this out.
One inevitable consequence of submitting to her husband will be respecting him: if she really regards her husband as her head, then she will honour and respect him, both in the home and outside it.
Her role to submit is not the responsibility of her husband to mention or insist upon, the role is hers to work out, as to the Lord.
Husbands are called to "love"
"Husbands love your wives."
The word given to Christian husbands is love. He is to love his wife as he loves his own body. If he is hungry he feeds his body, if he is thirsty he finds a drink, if cold he clothes, if tired he sleeps, if in danger he seeks protection. A Christian husband is called to think in precisely these terms: what are the present needs of his wife? How can he meet them? In loving her like this, he ends up loving himself, for the benefits flow back.
But Christian men are called to raise their game much higher than this.
Christian husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. This divine love is the highest love the cosmos has ever witnessed, the highest love it is possible to express: to be willing to lay down your life for another, to be prepared to make sacrifices for another.
And so we can say with confidence, that if the responsibility of Christian wives seems hard, the task of Christian husbands is much harder: for it is to love his wife as Jesus loved the church.
Jesus gave up many things, he made many sacrifices for the church:
Lord, you were rich beyond all splendour,yet, for love’s sake, became so poor;thrones for a manger did surrender,sapphire-paved courts for stable floor:Lord, you were rich beyond all splendour,yet, for love’s sake, became so poor.
The very essence of Jesus' love is that he made personal sacrifices for the sake of his bride. This is what a husband is called to do.
Rather than rising higher in the work place to the detrimental loneliness of his wife, he decides to plateau. Instead of Saturday sports, when his wife is needing help with the kids, he stays at home.
He wants to rise higher at work, he deserves to do so; he wants to play sport on Saturday, he deserves to; but this he gives up, willingly, for the sake of his wife.
He's got to work this sacrificial love out in practice.
It takes two to tango
Only when the wife is submissive (arranges herself under) and the husband loves (sacrificially) will a marriage work and honour the Lord.
All the romantics, gifts or gooey cards in the world can never compensate for a lack of submissiveness on the part of a wife or the lack of sacrificial love on the part of the husband.
A husband's sacrificial love makes it easier for a wife to submit, a wife's submission makes it easier for the husband to love.
A Visual Gospel
Could it be that before unbelievers or nonbelievers hear the Gospel, they see the Gospel in a Christian marriage? They see a Christian wife recognising that her husband is her head and acting accordingly - they see the response of the church to Christ. They see a Christian husband loving his wife - even in those moments when she is less than lovable - and thereby see the immense love of Jesus for his broken sinful people.
And thus the Gospel is spoken without words. What a challenge to every Christian married couple.
Drawing of an ordinary husband and wife holding hands
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